I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
