I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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