i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
