A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
