can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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