He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
