when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
