Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
