she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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