i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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