I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
