i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
