there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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