If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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