My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
