I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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