i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
