you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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