I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
