drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Damn victory sex feels great
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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