i permit you to call me
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
