Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
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