My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
