I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
