My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
