the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
