I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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