im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
