U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
