I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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