you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
