im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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