You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
