i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
