every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
