Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
