i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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