I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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