I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
