Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
