i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
