Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
