someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
