Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My Higher Power is John Stamos
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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