She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Randomize
