I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
