Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
