One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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