I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
