1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
