I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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