if you like me you must not know who I am
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
